The Storm after the Storm

I wonder, which is more painful, the actual trauma or the period after the trauma is over... when you look back and shudder on the mere recall of events. Of course, the individual has braved through a difficult situation in life, but probably is not well-prepared for the aftermath of the trauma on the emotional and mental well-being. 

Today I came across few ramblings by Hudugi. Well.... I am not really sure when she wrote this, but looks like she has undergone a tragedy  which is why she is depressed. Probably she keeps having flashbacks of the event which makes her cry. This is what she had written...

"I feel scared when I get back emotions. Right now I am leading my life, but my heart is emotionless. It's like a blank page of this diary where I have started writing. 

My heart is full of sadness and it is the silence after the storm. Like everything bad is over, and now I'm standing among the ruins of my past. I don't know from where to start. It is time to make a re-start but how?

There is a kind of acceptance that I am sad and depressed. There was a time few weeks back, when I used to feel as if I have lost everything and was very hopeless. I didn't want to see any reason to live or any meaning to my life. It was like I could sit and just cry and cry. It was like... I was so deeply sad that even if crying for hours would go on, it wouldn't be enough. I would feel an immense grief which I had buried so deeply in myself that in the desperation to survive, my mind had to go numb. When gradually I moved out the trauma, this numbness broke and it was impossible for me to contain or control it.... "

I was so worried for her at first, but as I read through, I feel proud of her. 

Any traumatic event is obvious to make a person sad and depressed. Some experts call it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as per definition, a disorder characterized by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. However, I am of the opinion that we shouldn't call it a disorder in the first place. The term 'disorder' attracts lot of negative views. It is like a wound which needs to be accepted and not questioned. A physical wound is easy to accept, but a mental wound needs lot of courage to receive acceptance. Why is it so difficult?

This is a point to worry. When the person cannot accept and keeps fighting against the natural emotion. 

"Yeah, so I had a difficult time, I would never want to face that again because it makes me sad. I am now out of the situation, but it has drained all my happiness. "

"I find it so difficult to move on, I feel melancholic I don't like it. I want this suffering to end. There is no point of my life, this trauma has damaged me beyond repair."

It is obvious to be sad, depressed and melancholic, but do you really need to punish yourself further? There is nothing wrong with you, depression is a natural emotion after any trauma... please don't fight it. 

Bengaluru hudugi is giving herself time to grieve. This is her acceptance to the negative effect the trauma had on her. She is trying to be immensely patient and loving towards herself. She is definitely on her path to recovery. As far as I know, if she can, you can do it too.